January 16, 2008, 9:30 am – Wall Street Journal
Life’s Not Fair, How to Break it to Your Kids
Posted by Sara Schaefer Munoz
“It’s not fair!”


Betsy Brown Braun, “Just Tell Me What to Say,” - Wall Street Journal

• Eliminate “that’s not fair” from your own daily usage. Adults say this more than they realize.
• Stop trying to treat your kids equally. If one child needs new shoes, buy shoes only for him. Trying to be equal only fuels the child’s belief that life is supposed to be fair.
• Tolerate the protest. Getting agitated can show the child that she’s got reason to be upset. Instead, say, “I know. Life sure isn’t fair.”
• Allow your child to be disappointed. Learning to tolerate disappointment is one of the most important childhood lessons and crucial to independent adulthood.




Comment by CD - January 16, 2008 at 10:00 am - Wall Street Journal

I’m pretty callus - us about it. I say, “That’s right, life’s not fair and you’re living at the top of the heap”. People all over the world don’t have enough food to eat, access to clean water, education, basic medicine, etc We talk about those thing in our house. We also pick charities to support (through food drives for the local food pantry, donations to the local shelter in lieu of birthday presents, supporting a school in Africa that has some local ties) that reinforce both that we can all help and that we have plenty. I don’t know if it’s completely working, the kids are still kids that want stuff, but they don’t bitch and moan as much when they don’t get it.


Comment by Houston - January 16, 2008 at 10:20 am - Wall Street Journal
My kids don’t whine about fairness, but about equality (kid A getting a more expensive birthday present than kid B.) I tell them that I don’t treat them equally, but I do treat them fairly. Kid B’s turn will come at the appropriate time.

Comment by T-wife to 1,mom to 4 - January 16, 2008 at 10:43 am - Wall Street Journal

Ok, I have found that the best way to deal with this with my 3 to 6 year olds is to say “equal is not fair” as in “do you want to have to nap with the baby? Then you would be equal?” This clears that complaining up very quickly.
Also, We work every day on fostering joy for others. We achieve this by linking it with service. i.e. The kitchen helper has to take a bite to a sibling, and give it nicely and then they can get one for themselves. Oranges, cheese, olives, the first pancake, etc. I think it helps to see the joy in the surprised face of a brother or sister just before you savor something.
Then we can teach the purpose of life and excellence without the distraction of inequallity.