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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its’ golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked; “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
Are you making a POSITIVE difference in the life of kids?
Randy Hinderliter USAW Kansas KWCA Rep/Coaches Liaison Ottawa University Volunteer Assistant
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It's Halloween time & little Johnnie goes up to the door. When the nice lady answers the door he says " bick or beat", the lady confused asks Johnnie to repeat himself. Again little Johnnie says "bick or beat" the nice lady understands & corrects Johnnie "oh you mean trick or treat" Johnnie says "yeah, bick or beat" the nice lady asks what Johnnie is suppose to be which Johhnie replies "I'm a birate" again she asks for clarification to which Johhnie repeats " I'm a birate" the lady replies "oh, your a pirate" Johnnie getting frustrated replies "yeah a birate" The nice lady asks "where are your buccaneers?" To which Johnnie repied "there on my bucking head".
Patrick Cavanaugh 785-249-3440
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What do you call a vegetarian w/ diarrhea? . . . . . A salad shooter
Last edited by Pelland; 09/04/08 10:49 PM.
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Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2 is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more then just a little self-righteous. At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow Scotland he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet........ "Well, stop doin it then, ya evil man!"
Patrick Cavanaugh 785-249-3440
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A blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to her, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' So then the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. She takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.' Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?' 'That's simple. By the nail over its stall.' She explains very confidently. Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?' She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
Are you making a POSITIVE difference in the life of kids?
Randy Hinderliter USAW Kansas KWCA Rep/Coaches Liaison Ottawa University Volunteer Assistant
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A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.
He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old BUBBA replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already crapped my pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
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Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room the first surgeries of the day. The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for? The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.' The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze.' The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?' The first kid says, 'A circumcision.' 'WHOA!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.
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A country guy is sitting at the bar and an asian guy walks up to him from behind and knocks him out with a kick to the head. The asian guy says, "When that guy wakes up tell him that was Ju-Jitzu from Japan".
The next week in that same bar the Asian dude was at the bar and the country guy walked up behind him and nailed him in the head, knocking him out on the floor. The country dude says, "When that guy wakes up tell him that was a crowbar from Sears".
Eric Johnson
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Haven't ever visited this thread but I like it! How about a list of "Confuscious Says" - Add your own!!
Confuscious Say: "Elevator smell differently to midget!"
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The drunk defendant snapped back at the judges statement that his smoking in bed had caused the fire....
"That is not right your Honor. That bed was on fire when I got in it!"
Eric Johnson
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I don't know if this is a true story or not. But it appears to be. I picked this up off another forum over at The Wrestling Talk, but thought it appropriate to post here. I will post the link, then a paste of the article. http://www.wcfcourier.com/articles/2008/09/25/news/breaking_news/doc48db6cb599d64778734453.txtThursday, September 25, 2008 6:37 AM CDT Accused of passing gas, man charged with battery SOUTH CHARLESTON, W.Va. (AP) — A West Virginia man who police said passed gas and fanned it toward a patrolman has been charged with battery on a police officer. Jose A. Cruz, 34, of Clarksburg, was pulled over early Tuesday for driving without headlights, police said. According to the criminal complaint, Cruz smelled of alcohol, had slurred speech and failed three field sobriety tests before he was handcuffed and taken to a police station for a breathalyzer test. As Patrolman T.E. Parsons prepared the machine, Cruz scooted his chair toward Parsons, lifted his leg and "passed gas loudly," the complaint said. Cruz, according to complaint, then fanned the gas toward the officer. "The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons," the complaint alleged. He was also charged with driving under the influence, driving without headlights and two counts of obstruction. Cruz acknowledged passing gas, but said he didn’t move his chair toward the officer nor aim gas at the patrolman. He said he had an upset stomach at the time, but police denied his request to go to the bathroom when he first arrived at the station. "I couldn’t hold it no more," he said. He also denied being drunk and uncooperative as the police complaint alleged. He added he was upset at being prepared for a breathalyzer test while having an asthma attack. The police statement said he later resisted being secured for a trip to a hospital that he requested for asthma treatment. Cruz said the officers thought the gas incident was funny when it happened and laughed about it with him. "This is ridiculous," he said. "I could be facing time."
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A Texas Longhorn fan was building a house while a Texas Aggie watched. As the Longhorn drove nails into the boards, the Aggie noticed that he was nailing some nails and then throwing other nails into a pile. The Aggie asked the Longhorn why he was doing that. The Longhorn replied, "Well, you see like this nail goes in just fine but this other nail has the head on the wrong side, so it's no good". The Aggie laughs and says, "Man you are stupid. Instead of throwing those away, you can use every one of those nails on the other side of the house".
Eric Johnson
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Q: How do you keep Missouri running backs out of the girl's locker room?
A: Paint a goal line on the door.
Eric Johnson
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